40th nervous breakdown

So let's see where we left off yesterday, shall we?

Steve and I had breakfast with the fam, no big brouhaha about the birthday, just a few comments here and there. I was holding up ok.

We cleaned the house, that always makes me feel better, especially after a week of sniffling. At 6PM we headed out to Lonestar for dinner, but when we got there it was lined up out the door, 45 minute wait. Steve doesn't wait. So we drove around for 20 minutes before finding a place without a line up, Kelsey's. It was almost empty.

I had veggie fajitas and for once had one of the tortillas (I normally skip them because they are too filling). It was good, but not great. Steve abruptly stopped half way through his dinner due to an upset stomach. So we settled our bill and left.

It took everything in my power not to burst into tears during dinner. Could he please not mention my birthday every 5 minutes? I wanted it to be a regular Saturday. I was looking forward to getting home, having a bath, and watching a movie together. We get home, and the neighbors have loads of cars. Moron over here says "the neighbors must be having a party". Steve opens the door and I walk in, still oblivious, to shouts of 'surprise1'. I almost started crying. It was THE LAST thing I wanted. I was devastated and furious. I turned to leave (can you believe that???) and Steve grabbed my coat and said "they won't be here long, they just wanted to see you". Everyone was laughing, I was dying. I was so upset not to have my quiet night with Steve, now that we were finally starting to feel better. I did my best to work the room, but didn't do that great a job I guess, because my ex-hubby said 'you're swearing like a sailor'. oh. More people showed up and I was absolutely miserable.

By 10:30 everyone was gone, and I took a bath and cried for a few hours.

So let's recap:

1. I embarrassed myself
2. I embarrassed Steve
3. I made a roomful of wonderful people who love me feel uncomfortable

I've cried most of today. Poor Steve, if I could take it all back I would. I would paste on the fake smile, and hug him and thank him for his kindness. Instead, in front of all these people, I said 'did I not BEG you this week not make a big deal? not to do anything?'. I'm surprised he was still here this morning.

Now Steve is apologetic for not following my wishes. He said 'I really thought you'd be happy. I thought you were being like most people who say not to do anything but then get upset when you don't'. I don't play games, and he knows that. He just wanted to do something special for me. And I made him feel like shit. Way to go me.

I would love to know what childhood trauma has made me this way where birthdays are concerned. All I can remember is crying every birthday, not wanting the attention, and wanting it to be over as soon as possible. Lord, I need therapy. What a disaster.

Steve did make a joke though, he forced me to go through a 'new thing'... I've never had a surprise party before. Nor will I ever again.